A lot has been happening for the past while. I deleted my tumblr after coming to the realization that a lot of things that I did had to change before my life would. I was online all the time because I did not want to think about my reality, and I had to face it. I still do. A couple of years ago, I was extremely unhappy with my life and would hold an unnaturally tight grip on illusions that would keep my spirits afloat. This included but was not limited to surrounding myself with unhealthy relationships, having a strong infatuation to this boy, and what not. At heart, what was really bothering me was the fact that I was in an abusive home and it was coming to the point that my life (and my family’s) was in danger. I felt like I had nothing to lose, and this was a double edged sword. It was what catalyzed me to take risks that I would never have taken otherwise because my spirits were broken, but it also led me to the belief that to get out of the situation would mean for me to get seriously hurt, or get killed in the process.
As soon as I had started my first job with the police, I moved out and I slowly gained independence. I gained hope though while I was out I realized that the bad things don’t necessarily end once I get out of my house. I had to be more active and fight for what I deserve. This was my lesson for the past two years. During December of last year, I guided my mother and my sister to report my father to the police after an incident. The first few months of not having him around was terrifying. I was paranoid, and I had good reason to be. For a while, he didn’t leave us alone. His name became like a curse word, and to even say ‘Dad’ was uncomfortable for all of us. Were it not for family, good friends, and kindness from others, we probably would not have made it to where we are today.
I haven’t seen my father for over a year now although it feels like it’s been longer than that. I heard he lives not too far away from here. We still have a restraining order against him. I’m looking forward for my mother to start the divorce proceedings so we can all move on with our lives. In some ways I feel like he has died in my mind a long time ago simply because I couldn’t fathom that a father could inflict so much pain to his family. Though I feel like I have forgiven him, for the moment I can’t imagine him being in my life, cementing the idea of his being dead to me.
This is what has been happening the past year. So much more happened, but I feel like they all circle this issue. I’ve gone from someone who was wholly consumed by anger to someone who is slowly coming to terms with everything that has happened.
